Suicide: When the unthinkable happens
Be open and honest and communicate at a child's and young person’s level of understanding. Suicide is a complicated form of death and requires honesty with young people but also restraint, depending on the level of understanding.
Addressing the Truth and Rumours
Answer children's questions honestly. You often do not need to provide information beyond their questions. One thing to keep in mind is that when adults hide the truth in an effort to protect teenagers, the young person often sees or hears information from other sources, such as on Facebook, texting, a clipping from the newspaper, a conversation they have overheard, or from a neighbour, a relative, or another child who lets the “cat out of the bag.”
One way to have better control over information is to tell young people the truth yourself. You also need to state that although the young person has heard these things the cause of death has yet to be determined, this is the job of the Coroners office. Rumours often circulate after a death and we ask you not to spread these rumours since they can be inaccurate, hurtful and unfair to [insert name] and their family. Encourage talk about the deceased family member or friend in sensitive ways. Consider what the young person may already know or may have experienced (if he or she witnessed the police in the home, for example).
Supporting the Young Person's Process
Understanding their personal experience can guide you in helping the young person open up about what happened and what he or she knows. Give young people opportunities to ask questions. Ask them what they would like to do after talking together. They may want to talk more, stay close to a relative, do an activity, play a game, or get some emotional distance from the events. Follow the young person’s lead. Observe their body language.
Remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are no right or wrong feelings to have. All feelings or reactions are normal for them. Some young people need to be involved and want a lot of information; other young people may not want to be involved and want very little information. It is okay to ask them if they would like to talk about it more. Whenever possible, it is always best to be a good listener and let them talk and ask questions. Do your best to be available to talk about what happened, and let them choose their own way of coping and grieving. It is also okay to not know what to say or do. Be honest with children and say, “I don’t know.” Let them know that although you may not have answers to all of their questions right now, you will do your best to learn.
Responding to the Question: "Why?"
“What do I say when a child asks ‘why’ someone ended his or her own life?” You could respond in any way that feels the most comforting for you both. Or you could say:
That the person who died “had a lot of adult problems and adult stress, and did not reach out to others for help. It always is important to reach out for help when problems get very big. All problems can get over time with help.”
That the person “made a mistake, or a wrong choice, because there is always another way out.”
Another important response is that “all problems are temporary, not permanent, and that problems can always be made better.”
What is most important is that the young person knows that “it is no one’s fault,” and there always are ways to make things better. The young person should know that others may be judgmental, or say something hurtful, and at times like this it may be helpful for them to seek out reassuring and comforting people. Ask your child for suggestions and try to come up with some responses together that are the most comforting. This may ease the burden of your child feeling unprepared and being put on the spot. Being prepared will help them feel confident that they are not “lying” or attracting more attention to what happened, or disrespecting the person that has died. They are instead making their own choices about what to say to others about others, or what to share about their own life.
Managing Feelings and Stressors
Discuss appropriate ways to handle problems that may occur. Emphasise the importance of working through feelings and seeking help from others. Be aware of your young person's stressors and talk with him or her about them. Encourage young people to talk about and express their feelings. Provide a listening ear and be a support so they can talk with you about how they feel.
Young people deal much better with tough circumstances when they have at least one person who listens and believes in them. Assist young people so they don't become overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Help them learn to manage negative thinking and challenge thoughts of hopelessness. Help them to stay involved with others in activities that are supervised and they enjoy. Children and young people need to know that even if someone else commits suicide, they can choose to get help if needed. Emphasise that alcohol and drugs are not helpful. If needed, treatment or therapy can help a young person deal with negative thoughts.
Encouraging Help-Seeking
Encourage students to seek help from a trusted adult if they or a friend are feeling depressed or suicidal. You might say:
“It is okay to feel angry. These feelings are normal and it doesn’t mean that you didn’t care about [student's name]. You can be angry at someone’s behaviour and still care deeply about that person.”
“This death is not your fault.”
“We can’t always predict someone else’s behavior.” “We can’t control someone else’s behavior.”
“We are always here to help you through any problem, no matter what. Who are the people you would go to if you or a friend were feeling worried or depressed or had thoughts of suicide?”
“There are effective treatments and supports to help people who have mental health issues or substance abuse problems. Suicide is never an answer.”
“This is an important time for all in our community to support and look out for one another. If you are concerned about a friend, you need to be sure to tell an adult you trust.”
Practical Coping Strategies
Encourage students to think about specific things they can do when intense emotions such as worry or sadness begin to well up, including:
Simple relaxation and distraction skills, such as taking three deep slow breaths, counting to 10, or picturing themselves in a favourite calm and relaxing place
Engaging in favourite activities or hobbies such as music, talking with a friend, reading, or going to a movie
Exercising
Thinking about how they’ve coped with difficulties in the past and reminding themselves that they can use those same coping skills now
Writing a list of people they can turn to for support
Writing a list of things they’re looking forward to
Focusing on individual goals, such as returning to a shared class or spending time with mutual friends.
Often, youth will express guilt about having fun or thinking about other things. They may feel that they somehow need permission to engage in activities that will help them feel better and take their mind off the stressful situation. Students should also be encouraged to think about how they want to remember their friend. Ideas range from writing a personal note to the family, to attending the funeral service or tangi, to doing something kind for another person in honour of their friend. Acknowledging their need to express their feelings while helping them identify appropriate ways to do so can begin the process of returning their focus to their daily lives and responsibilities.
Turning Grief into Action: Doing Something Positive
The aftermath of a suicide often carries an overwhelming amount of heavy emotion. It is easy for this energy to turn inward as personal guilt or outward as blame. As a family or church community, we can choose to redirect this "grieving energy" into a positive legacy.
Consider these three ways to honor their memory through constructive action:
Build a Safer Community: Use this time to collectively raise awareness about suicide. Focus on creating permanent "safe spaces" and strengthening the support networks available to everyone in your community.
Champion Their Passions: Identify a cause or project the young person was passionate about—such as social justice, animal welfare, or the environment—and make it a priority for your group. Completing a "legacy project" in their name can provide a powerful sense of purpose.
Celebrate Their "Gifts": Intentionally shift the focus to the positive impact the deceased had on those around them. Reflect on the unique strengths and "gifts" they brought to the community, and discuss practical ways the group can carry those values forward.
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